Are we related? (Part II)

On the morning of my Jane Austen party, I was cleaning tea cups in the sink when my little brother, Stuart, asked me, "Jane Austen made movies, right?" Assuming he meant were Jane Austen's books turned into movies, I replied, "Yeah, of course!"

"Oh," he said as if he was telling me something incredibly creative new idea, "You should watch a movie at the party!"

"Stuart, that's what I have been planning to do from the very beginning. It says on the invitation we are having tea and watching a movie!"

"But you are going to watch Pride and Prejudice, aren't you! That's stupid! You should watch a Jane Austen movie, not silly Pride and Prejudice! You are so dumb, Serena!"

To this, all I could do was throw back my head and laugh. Stuart stared at me, uncomprehending. I explained that Jane Austen was an author and that Pride and Prejudice is by far her most well known novel. I have no idea how he didn't at least have an inkling of this, considering that he is almost 13, and that I have read, and frequently mention, all of Austen's novels.

"Stuart," I said despairingly, "Do you know who Marie Antoinette was?"

Are we related?

Scene: a room downstairs. Serena is typing an invitation to her Jane Austen birthday party, and her mother Linda is asking her questions about what to write on the cake.

Linda: Isn't there some Jane Austen quote that would be appropriate? (Jokingly) Didn't she say "Let them drink tea?"

Serena: Haha. You know very well that it was Marie Antoinette who allegedly said, "Let them eat cake."

Sophia: Who's Marie Antoinette?

Serena stares blankly at her for several seconds

Serena: You don't know who Marie Antoinette was?

Sophia: No, I'm not a nerd like you.

Serena: No, but almost everyone knows who she is! It is just one of those things that's common knowledge.

Sophia: Oh. Realizing that she should know, she quickly covers her mistake. I know who she is! I just forget, exactly.

Serena: Well, what nationality is she?

Sophia: AFRICAN! A Pause. ...WHITE! Caucasian!

Serena: She was the queen of France.

Sophia: Oh, I knew that. I just got it mixed up. African, French... They both have an "F"! aFRICAN, French, Friken French...

Serena: She was the queen during the French Revolution, and she was beheaded.

Linda reenters the room.

Sophia: To Linda Mom, do you know who Marie Antoinette is? She was the queen of France, and they be-cutted off her head! Her head was be-cutted off! To Serena, enthusiastically I have it in my room! But don't look at it, because then you'll die, because she has snake hair!!!

Sophia leaves. Five minutes go by, in which Serena finishes the invitations and prints them off. Sophia reenters, and pokes her head around the door.

Sophia: Triumphantly No, I was just kidding about the snake hair. That was Madonna!! Closes door.

Finis.

Flash Fiction

On one of the practice AP tests we took in AP Lit this year, there was a short piece of fiction about a man and wife at a restaurant on his birthday. I can't find it (I don't remember the title or author) but I remember being impressed that an entire story was told in a paragraph or two.

Melody told me a story about an incident that she witnessed while driving in Hollister, and I was inspired to, with her help, turn it into a short, short story. Tell me what you think. Is there any thing you would add or take out?

Runaway

It was an unusual chase scene, to say the least. The heavyset woman ran down the road as quickly as she could. She was so out of shape, however, that she ran at the pace of an average person walking quickly. Luckily for her, the man pursuing her was also overweight, though he puttered after her with admirable determination. His thin braided ponytail of greasy black hair thumped on the back of his sweaty white t-shirt as he followed.

“Sharon,” he yelled, “Come back, please!”

“No! I told you, I won’t come back!” Sharon said as she glanced over her shoulder. The oppressive heat had made her curly dark blond hair even more frizzy than usual. “I’m sick and tired of coming back and trying again.”

Their words came out in sputtering but vehement gasps. One got the feeling that this was a habitual occurrence.

“Try to be reasonable,” he said. “Let’s be rational and talk about this. I’ll try to understand!”

“I don’t want to talk anymore! You won’t convince me to come back again,” said Sharon. “This time I’m leaving you for good, Juan!” To punctuate her statement, she put even more effort into running, and began to wheeze from the exertion.

“No you won’t. You know you won’t!” Juan continued doggedly.

The outcome of this repeated conflict was clear; one was only left to wonder who would tire first.

The Heart Asks Pleasure First

Most people who know me know that I don't believe in the idea of following one's heart. If conflicting, I believe one's intellect and reason should always take precedence over one's feelings. Feelings can lie, or lead one to do selfish, foolish things.

Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"

I know that believing this makes me disagree with almost every romantic comedy and children's movie. Think about any movie in which the main character is with a reliable, if boring, person. The main character than meets someone attractive and exciting, and decides to follow the giddy feeling of infatuation. Is this the smartest thing to do? Not in every case.

The other side of the heart is one I normally don't think of. Proverbs 4:23 says, " Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. " I suppose our emotions can be either good and bad. The Bible speaks many times of God creating pure hearts in us. This is something I want: for God to create a clean, pure heart in me that conforms to his will, so I don't have to fight against unreasonable emotions. I want to desire what is right, rather than having to reason away sinful desires.

While I am on the subject of the heart, this is a lovely song that I recommend listening to. I am learning it on the piano right now, and it is actually easier than it sounds. The Heart Asks Pleasure First

The title comes from an Emily Dickinson poem:

The heart asks pleasure first,

And then, excuse from pain;

And then, those little anodynes

That deaden suffering;

And then, to go to sleep;

And then, if it should be

The will of its Inquisitor,

The liberty to die

Jane Austen's Men

Just the other day, I finished watching Mansfield Park (The newer version I believe) and Emma (the Gwyneth Paltrow version) with my good friend Kaitlin. Our two favorite men out of all of Austen's characters are Mr. Knightley and Captain Frederick Wentworth. What we wanted to figure out was who is our favorite of the two. We settled on Knightley and then proceeded to debate the merits of several of her other male protagonists. Here for your enjoyment (or argument) is my list of ranked Austen men.

Note: I haven't seen all of the movies, but I've read all six of her books, so this list is based solely on the novels, although the movies might have unconsciously influenced me. This also doesn't reflect which Austen works are my favorite, just the male characters.

1. Mr. George Knightley (of Emma): Mr. Knightley has character, maturity, and wisdom. He recognizes (and often points out) Emma's faults, but he loves her in spite of them. He cares about those less fortunate, as evinced by his sensitivity to Miss Bates, and is a true gentleman, shown when he asks the spurned Harriet to dance with him.

2. Captain Frederick Wentworth (of Persuasion): His constancy to Anne, even after 8 years of separation, is truly admirable. He admires her not on a merely superficial level, but because he recognizes her character. The love letter he writes to her at the end of the novel is so eloquent and romantic.

3/4. Henry Tilney (of Northanger Abbey): Henry is utterly charming, intelligent, and witty. He is hard to place on this list, because, as the novel is a parody of gothic literature, you only get to know his personality, and not his character. However, I know that he has all the charm of a Willoughby, without the character defects.

3/4. Edmund Bertram (of Mansfield Park): Edmund is so caring. He is the only one concerned with Fanny's wellbeing, even before he falls in love with her.

5. Edward Ferrars (of Sense and Sensibility): I'm not sure about my placement of him, because I don't remember his characterization very well from the book. He is intelligent and kindhearted, and he displays a very honorable desire to keep his word when he is engaged to Lucy Steele, whom he does not love.

6. Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy (of Pride and Prejudice): I know he is considered the perfect man by some, but I think he pales in comparison to many of Austen's other protagonists. That being said, I admire his wit, his respectable character, his devotion to Elizabeth, and the character change he undergoes throughout the book.

7. Colonel Brandon (from Sense and Sensibility): I don't think Brandon should be last, but I don't know where to place him. I never really got to know him during Sense and Sensibility, and I never (ever) understood his attachment to Marianne, as she hardly spoke to him or noticed his presence. He is however, a kind and loyal man. If anyone can suggest a place for him in the ranking, it would be greatly appreciated.

There you have it. I am not firm in the placement of any of them except the first two, and that Darcy be rather near the end. How would you rank Austen's men?

Seriously

I think I am incapable of serious posts in the summer. I just got back from Italy, so maybe I just haven't had the time to write anything serious, but it surprises me that I don't have much discipline for serious writing during the summer. Serious thoughts maybe, but forming those thoughts into a coherently organized blogpost is a different matter. I am too fickle, flighty, and fidgety when I am on vacation. (For example, I started this post a week ago and stopped, until now, where I placed the *) It is the same with books. I don't know how many times this summer I have started a book, read * 20 pages, and then put it down to read something else, because I have so many options and I just can't choose.

I wanted to turn this into some serious musing, but my thoughts are racing in a thousand happy directions instead of staying focused.

Since summer is difficult intellectually, I've decided I might post slightly more casual things. I absolutely promise that I won't post egocentric rants about my feelings that no one can relate to or enjoy. I'll try my best keep things interesting and relevant. They just might be a bit less pedantic.

Extended Metaphor

I was in my room a few days ago, trying to figure out how to explain The Book Thief to someone I know who liked The Hiding Place and The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. This was my inner monologue:

Well, If The Hiding Place and Guernsey had a baby together, it would be The Book Thief. But that doesn't sufficiently explain the style of Book Thief. Oh I've got it! Then the baby was given up for adoption and adopted by My Sister's Keeper and The Elegance of the Hedgehog. But wait! The Elegance of the Hedgehog and My Sister's Keeper would NEVER get married...

Besides, which couple would be the biological and which the adoptive parents based on the nature/nurture info I've learned in Psych class?

Another lovely metaphor, from a conversation I was having with Melody:

"Don't you hate it when you have a pregnant idea... (I want to express that I hate it when I can't accomplish an idea with so many possibilities) and it gets aborted?"

I should probably start speaking plain English. I haven't quite mastered figurative language, apparently.

Let them eat (graduation) cake!

My mom and I were having a discussion about my graduation cake (what kind, what message, etc.)

My sister suggested these two gems: "We never thought you'd make it. Thanks for surprising us!" and because I'm salutatorian, "You didn't win second. You lost first."

You have to love siblings--they keep you humble and make you laugh at the same time.

Meaningless Hyperbole

It seems like everything is exaggerated today. When someone is sad, he says he is "depressed." When another person goofs off, she's called "insane." "Epic" is a popular adjective for anything remotely funny or interesting.

In actuality, "bipolar" does not mean someone who is in a good mood one day and a bad mood another; it is a very real psychological disorder. Most teenagers who use the word "depressed" fail to remember that depression refers to a persistent, unreasonable low mood, and not merely being sad for a reason.

Almost everyone I know exaggerates when they tell stories: "And then my mom yelled at me for an hour" "My friend gave me, like, a 5 dollar Ross card for my birthday" "Everyone on the street was laughing because I screamed and jumped a foot in the air"

The problem with hyperbole is that when it is overused, it becomes meaningless. I can't just say something is funny. If I want to convey its humor I have to say it is the "funniest thing in the world!" Then what do I say when something actually is the funniest thing in the world? It's like "lol." Now, if you actually laugh aloud, you have to type "alol." When meaningless hyperbole is tossed around, there is no way to convey shades of meaning.

I've been trying to avoid hyperbole. I've never been one to exaggerate stories--if something is funny enough for me to tell other people than I tell it the way it happened. If it needs to be exaggerated a lot to be funny, then it just isn't worth telling. What I've been working on is not exaggerating when describing things. So please, don't be offended if I say that something you do is just "pretty cool" and not "the most awesome thing I have EVER seen in my ENTIRE LIFE!"

My Own Skin

This isn't just a post about my feelings, I promise. It has a more universal meaning than that.

I think one of the best things about being a Christian is knowing who I am. I know that a lot of teenagers struggle with identity issues (Erikson's proposal that the adolescent conflict is identity v. role confusion has a lot of validity). This is not to say that Christians are always happy... that's not true. I can't speak for guys, but I know that most girls, even Christian girls, go through periods of insecurity. However, as a Christian, my identity is set. I don't have to work for the praise of others or the attention of boys; I can live to glorify God. One who is a Christian can be comfortable in his own skin, and be free from the plague of self-doubt. The Bible says that a Christian is a friend of Christ, a son or daughter of God, God's workmanship, a temple of the Holy Spirit, a part of the Church (which is the Bride of Christ), an ambassador for Christ, a part of the Body, and a citizen of heaven. Christians are redeemed, ransomed, forgiven, free, protected, anointed, sanctified, strengthened, and complete. Since I am complete in Christ, I don't have any need or right to complain about who I am. I can worrying so much about the opinions of others, and be secure in the knowledge of who I am in Christ.

"If the praise of others elates me and their blame depresses me; if I cannot rest under misunderstanding without defending myself; if I love to be loved more than to love, to be served more than to serve, then I know nothing of Calvary love." - Amy Carmichael

"For in Him [Christ] dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power." Colossians 2:9-10

Food and Villains

I have two unusually delicious recipes and a list of villains to share with you.

Frosted Crackers

Melt butter and mix in powdered sugar until it has the consistency of frosting. Spread on saltine crackers. It is so delicious and addicting! You can use non-homemade frosting, but it won't be as good as powdered sugar and butter frosting.

Thirst Quencher

Mix one part carrot juice and two parts orange juice. Vary the ratio of orange or carrot to taste. Carrot juice might not sound good (I don't like it), but mixed with orange juice it is very satisfying.

Reeses Toast

Toast a piece of bread and spread peanut butter on it. Then take chocolate syrup and drizzle lightly over the peanut butter. Spread the chocolate with a knife so it evenly coats the peanut butter.

I'm not exactly sure what this tagging thing is, but Zella has tagged me and told me to list my seven favorite fictional villains, so here they are (with explanations).

1. Professor Moriaty from Sherlock Holmes: The only villain who could outthink Holmes. He is brilliant!

2. Aornis from Lost in a Good Book: This isn't necessarily because she is a fabulous villain, but because her method of murder is so clever! She decreases entropy in order to kill by coincidence on purpose!

3. Artemis Fowl: He clever and is always two steps ahead of the others. I especially love the last book (The Time Paradox) when the reformed Artemis has to fight against his younger (still evil) self.

4. Vice Principal Nero from A Series of Unfortunate Events: This was a difficult one. I love all the villains in the series, from Esme Squalor to the man with the beard but no hair and the woman with the hair but no beard. I picked Nero because he is so ridiculously illogical, one wants to strangle him. Also, he plays horrible, screechy, six-hour violin concerts and forces the students to attend. His punishments are absurd (buying him a bag of candy and watching him eat it, taking away silverware and forcing students to eat with their hands tied behind their back) and he likes to repeat students' sentences in a high pitched squeal to mock them.

5. The villain from Demons and Angels: I can't say who it is, because it would be a spoiler, but the reason I picked this one is the surprise it gave me. When I found out who the villain was I literally had to sit for 10 minutes and process it.

6. Lady Macbeth from Macbeth: Macbeth was one of the first Shakespeare plays I read, and I love Lady Macbeth, especially because of her eventual mental breakdown. She is manipulative but eventually succumbs to the evil she has done, and she, I think, is one of Shakespeare's more human villains.

7. The Tin Man from House: House is one of the scariest books I have ever read. I had trouble deciding between two Dekker villains (the other was Eve from Adam) but Tin Man ended up winning. The story of House goes like this: four people end up locked inside a deserted house that they thought was a hotel. A tin can is dropped down the chimney. It reads, "Welcome to my house. House rules: 1. God came to my house and I killed him. 2. I will kill anyone who comes to my house as I killed God. 3. Give me one dead body, and I might let rule two slide. Game over at dawn."

So there is my list of villains. I don't know that they're necessarily all of my favorites, but they are ones that I have particularly liked :)

The Joys of Modern Music

As much as I love formal dances, I have a love-hate relationship with the actual dancing. (The dinner is usually the most best part of the evening.) This is my commentary on/criticism of a few of the songs they have played at dances in years past.

"Gimme More"

Serena: More what? Gimme more what, Melody?

Melody: I have no idea!

Serena: I wish I could figure out what she wants more of...

"Replay"

In Psychology class I learned that a tune that gets stuck in ones head is called an earworm. I guess it isn't quite as romantic to say "Shawty's like an earworm," but it sure would be amusing. Now that's the only thing I can think of when I hear this song!

The section of this song with the words "I can be your melody. Oh girl, I could write you a symphony" has always bothered me. The first line makes sense. If the girl is a song stuck in his head, he wants to be her melody. The metaphor makes sense. It breaks the metaphor with "I could write you a symphony," however. Writing a symphony is something that is generally done literally and not figuratively, so it weakens the extended metaphor. Also, I sincerely doubt the speaker could write a prelude, much less a symphony. Do you know how much you have to understand about instruments and music theory to compose a symphony?

"Love Story"

"You were Romeo and you were throwing pebbles..."

Serena: You know, if he were really Romeo, he would be committing suicide, not throwing pebbles.

Kaitlin: (laughing) Just dance, Serena.

I've always had a problem with Romeo and Juliet being the archetypal love story. I think it is the archetypal story of adolescent stupidity. (I also don't believe in love at first sight. Lust at first sight or infatuation at first sight, sure, but not love.) Also, the speaker compares herself to a "scarlet letter." While I admire the ambitious nature of both of these allusions, I think the second is just as faulty as the first. The speaker should not be alluding to adultery: infidelity is hardly romantic.

"Carry-out"

I always consult Melody if I want to know about a song, because she knows pop music (unlike me).

Serena: What is this song?

Melody: Well, it's by Justin Timberlake, and it's about sex

Serena: Hm. You don't hear a lot of songs about that...

Melody: I know, right? The thing about this one is the whole song uses fast food metaphor for sex.

Serena: Ooh! How deeply edifying!

While this metaphor is no doubt... unique, and I am impressed with the music world's increasing use of literary devices, this song is so bad I don't even need to criticize it. The extended metaphor is weak and inconsistent. When one uses a metaphor, or any figurative language, it ought to help someone better understand a facet of what one is describing. The fast food metaphor doesn't accomplish this.

Out of many, one

My mind has been very fecund (I love that word!) this week. I've been turning a lot of ideas over in my head; none of them is enough to make a blog post, but together they are blog-worthy. E pluribus unum!

• Did you know that when you see Broadway shows (not even necessarily on Broadway) they often have restroom ushers? The bathrooms are big to accommodate everyone who attends the show, so there will be a uniformed attendant in the ladies' room watching for open stalls and gesturing you to them. I can't speak for the men's room, but their lines are always 10 times shorter than the women's, so I assume that they do not need an usher.
• The English language has no words with three letters in a row. It would be very interesting if "eee" sounded different from "ee" and "e," for example.
• Right now, a lot of e-commerce is not taxed. While I love buying books on Amazon without paying sales tax, it seems like the national government could make a bundle putting a sales tax on items bought over the internet. I read in my economics book that originally e-commerce was not taxed to ensure its growth, but we all recognize that it is here to stay now.
• It is frustrating how neither one of these: "I have to go to the bathroom really bad" or "I have to go to the bathroom really badly" sounds correct. I was puzzling over it and decided one could say "I badly have to go to the bathroom." Mrs. D suggested "I have to go to the bathroom desperately." This eliminates the problem, and sounds very dramatic. That's my grammar puzzle of the week!
• Sometimes, it is more difficult to write things badly than to write them well, especially if you are trying to make it sound like you are trying to write well but are failing. (If that makes sense at all. It made sense in my head!)
• Honey mustard always comes in little tubs with wrappers on top that you peel off, but ketchup always comes in squeeze packets. They are used for roughly the same purposes and are the same consistency... why the different packaging?

Effective Therapy

We watched this in AP Psychology today and it is really funny! Don't scroll down and read the comments though, because they spoil the punch lines.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1g3ENYxg9k

I'll actually post something intellectual soon I promise... either about meaningless hyperbole or a poem to/about Estelle. We'll see which one I finish first.

Somewhat Like a Drug Addiction

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, an addiction is a compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.

So, some of the necessary characteristics to define an addiction are that it is compulsive, it is persistent, there are symptoms upon withdrawal, and the substance is harmful. Also, according to a website about drug abuse and addiction, "one of the most dangerous effects of drug abuse and addiction is denial. The urge to use is so strong, that the mind finds many ways to rationalize the addiction."

As I was musing recently, I found some interesting parallels between my impulsive and compulsive buying and reading of books and substance addiction.

A Quick Caveat: I do not wish to belittle substance abuse and addiction, or to claim that my situation is in any way comparable--it is only similar on a MUCH smaller scale. In addition, I am not claiming to be addicted to books (books, unlike drugs, are not a negative or harmful substance), so please do not accuse me of hypocrisy when my next blog post about meaningless hyperbole is published.

An addiction is compulsive: Over spring break, I found myself repeatedly buying books, even after a shopping spree at Barnes and Noble. I just calculated that I spent (including tax) approximately $150 on free reading books in just ten days.

An addiction is persistent: I spent this in 5 separate places at 5 different times (although 2/3 of it was spent at once). Also, I bought books even though I have many books sitting on my shelf unread. I bought more books than I will have time to read until summer vacation.

One of the most dangerous effects of addiction is rationalization: I had the opportunity to spend several hours in Barnes and Noble on Monday, and I simply kept adding to the stack of books I was carrying. It wasn't until I reached the checkout counter that I realized I was spending $100. I managed to rationalize each of my choices (I had been wanting to buy this one for so long! This one was such a good deal! This one looks like such an interesting story!) and determined to spend less money on books in the future. However, after this shopping spree and resolution, I was at an antique store with my friend and saw that they had many antique Nancy Drew books. I found a copy of the first book in the series that had been published in the 1930s. I rationalized this 12 dollar purchase thus: The first 34 Nancy Drew books were revised from 25 chapters to 20 beginning in the late 1950s, and the last time I had found an early version it had been 25 dollars. 12 dollars was such a good deal! A few days later I was on Amazon ordering my AP Government review flash cards. Amazon has this wonderful deal where if you spend $25 or more, you get "free supersaver shipping." The cards were 13 dollars, and I figured, why not spend 12 dollars on something instead of spending four wasted dollars on shipping? Of course, I couldn't find a book that I wanted that cost twelve dollars, but I managed to find a book that cost $8 (and I had been waiting for it to come out in paperback!) and another for $10 (and in a bookstore it would be 15!). So I rationalized spending an additional $30 on books after I spent 100 dollars on rationalized books at Barnes and Noble.

An addiction is characterized by withdrawal symptoms: Last year around the end of the summer, I hit a low. I had a lot of summer homework, and the past 5 times I had been in bookstores, I had not found a book to buy, although I'd had money with me. I went into a sort of "good book withdrawal." I would leave a bookstore feeling forlorn and mope home to do homework. I walked into the community college bookstore and decided I would find a book to buy, no matter what. Immediately I got a spring in my step (I'm not kidding) and I started walking briskly towards the literature section. I ended up buying Sense and Sensibility.

Obviously, I do not have a legitimate addiction because books are not a harmful substance, and I didn't buy all of the books I wanted too. I took several books out of my pile in Barnes and Noble and put them back on the shelf. I also went into Borders Express on Thursday without buying anything! However, I think I have more sympathy and understanding now for those who do have addictions. I suppose I can see where they're coming from.

The Right Way

I had a piano lesson last night, and my teacher explained to me how if I wanted to bring out the top (melody) note of the chords I was playing, I had to emphasize that note, which I was playing with my pinky. In order to do this I had been leaning my hand to put more weight on my pinky, but I ended up not aligning my fingers properly and playing with poor technique because of it. My teacher had me straighten my hand and play, and the top note sounded louder almost automatically. She smiled and said that our hands are well designed and if I use correct technique it will be easier for me to make everything sound good.

I was just thinking about that again today--how if I follow the rules of technique, it is so much easier to play and to play beautifully. Then I started thinking about how following the rules in anything often makes things easier and more beautiful. Following God's rules in the Bible about sexual purity now makes it easier to build a strong marriage later. Paying attention in class instead of texting and passing notes makes the material easier to learn and the test easier to pass.

Doing something correctly often makes it easier. And while we shouldn't assume that the easy thing is always the right thing (it is definitely not), it helps to have the encouragement that by following the rules now, we are doing something that will benefit us in the long run.

Razors

Occam's or Ockham's razor (plurality should not be posited without necessity) is the idea that the simplest solution is usually the correct one. It is not a perfect heuristic, but it is usually a good one, and can often help one decide which hypothesis to pursue. Today, as I was reading, I found a reference to Hanlon's razor.

Hanlon's razor is an adage (the name purposely references Ockham's) that says, "Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity." How amusing and true that is.

A Response to Carpe Diem

The purpose of a carpe diem poem is to procure the affections of a beloved by reminding her that life is short. As I was writing a poem this evening, it evolved into an imagined woman's response to the sentiment.

To His Coy Mistress

Andrew Marvell

Had we but world enough, and time,

This coyness, Lady, were no crime

We would sit down and think which way

To walk and pass our long love's day.

Thou by the Indian Ganges' side

Shouldst rubies find: I by the tide

Of Humber would complain. I would

Love you ten years before the Flood,

And you should, if you please, refuse

Till the conversion of the Jews.

My vegetable love should grow

Vaster than empires, and more slow;

An hundred years should go to praise

Thine eyes and on thy forehead gaze;

Two hundred to adore each breast,

But thirty thousand to the rest;

An age at least to every part,

And the last age should show your heart.

For, Lady, you deserve this state,

Nor would I love at lower rate.

But at my back I always hear

Time's wingèd chariot hurrying near;

And yonder all before us lie

Deserts of vast eternity.

Thy beauty shall no more be found,

Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound

My echoing song: then worms shall try

That long preserved virginity,

And your quaint honour turn to dust,

And into ashes all my lust:

The grave 's a fine and private place,

But none, I think, do there embrace.

Now therefore, while the youthful hue

Sits on thy skin like morning dew,

And while thy willing soul transpires

At every pore with instant fires,

Now let us sport us while we may,

And now, like amorous birds of prey,

Rather at once our time devour

Than languish in his slow-chapt power.

Let us roll all our strength and all

Our sweetness up into one ball,

And tear our pleasures with rough strife

Thorough the iron gates of life:

Thus, though we cannot make our sun

Stand still, yet we will make him run.

I'll Give You "Carpe Diem"!

Don't tell me again that I'm "desperate"

Don't think that you know what I need.

By saying you "know" that I'm lonely

You're only revealing your greed.

Are you just afraid of rejection?

Is that why you say, "Seize the day?"

Threats of old age are pathetic.

Can't you woo me in some other way?

Perhaps you need women's approval,

Or you're worried you won't find romance

Lest you tell me that I'm growing older

And assume you're my very last chance

Please realize my candor will help you.

When you meet a cute girl in her prime,

Don't say she's a spinster without you

And your luck might be better next time.

I'm not sure how I feel about the final result--it changed a lot while I was writing it. It was very acerbic at first, but I mellowed it as I wrote. I'm thinking of writing another similarly themed poem, but using more elevated language. It is definitely fun, though, to write a poem with a less mature tone occasionally. Plus, this proves that you can write poems with dactylic feet!

A Typical Car Ride

I don't usually post personal posts, but I thought I'd let you all see what a typical car ride is like with my siblings, through various snippets.

There was this one month where we saw road kill every single day on Freedom Boulevard. And every single day, my sister would make up a song. The best one was the one sung to the tune of "This train is bound for glory, this train." It was "This car is bound for your body, this car."
.......................
Stuart: MOM JUST ATE A COW! She opened her mouth and swallowed it in one gulp! SHE ATE A COW!!! (Apparently while my mom was talking, we had passed by a cow on a hillside at the perfect moment).

Sophia: Well, I'm gonna eat the cars. Opens mouth and makes chomping noises each time a car passes

Mom: You guys are acting like three year olds.
........................

Mom: That bus is going so slow, we're crawling. We'll never get there at this rate

Sophia: Well it takes a while for a THREE-YEAR-OLD to CRAWL 26 miles! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

.......................

Mom: Sophia, some day you are going to have to learn some discretion.

Sophia: That bus has a lot of discretion. It is a very discret-ful bus.
.......................
Stuart: There is this annoying kid at school who always says "Yes, ma'am" to me.
Sophia: But you're a boy
Stuart: Yeah, and he says it anyway!
Sophia: That's harassment! You should report him to the administration and they would have him persecuted.
Serena: I think you mean prosecuted
Sophia: No, persecuted.
Serena: But persecuted is... (trying to figure out how to explain the difference) really bad.
Sophia: Yeah, they should do something really bad to him.
Serena: No, it's like when they persecuted Christians in Rome. They would stone them or feed them to the lions.
Sophia: I know. He should be persecuted. I would throw stones at him.
Serena: But... um... prosecute is still what you mean. Like in a courtroom.
Stuart: OH! Like a prosecute attorney! And a defense attorney!
Serena: Yes. Stuart's got it. See Sophia?
Sophia: He should be stoned.

Free Verse

I don't like the free verse I write very much, so I'm thinking of giving this one meter and maybe rhyme. I'm also thinking of changing the title. Let me know if you think I should or shouldn't do either of those things.

From His Perspective

True, she may have wit and eloquence

But to be esteemed by me, she must enchant

She must possess the sensuous figure all girls want

Her movements must be lithe, each step a dance

Does she read? Does she care?

Is she wise? What does she love and hate?

Can she make good conversation when we meet?

These are not the kind of questions that prevail.

Are her lips full? And can her eyes beguile?

Can she turn heads with one toss of her hair?

The girl I want is one who can make men concur

With what she says by giving them a smile

No matter her intelligence, she'll suit me ill

Unless her looks fill me with longing

A good mind is worth nothing

Without a pretty face in front of it.